BABYBOP
je suis un bébé requin,
and this is a photo journal of a previous life.
mercredi 9 mars 2011
and if i can't decide what paper?


Dear Yann,

Do you know what happened today? I walked into a shop to buy a card for your parents, and there was an elderly couple next to me. They were shuffling through the cards half heartedly, as though they had done this so many times already this year.

The cards themselves were so ugly. I know that if you were here, you would have laughed at them. You would have said that no one would ever want to receive a card like that... that they were so ugly. That made me laugh, really laugh, for the first time in days... i know if i sent that card, and you were still alive, you would have mocked your mum for receiving a card like that. You would have said that it was tacky and that there was no point receiving cards like that.

The prints were of trees, of awful paintings, and of 80's disasters. I moved onto the next shop. I felt like there was no card that could express the way i feel. No card could tell your parents just how sorry i am that you're gone.

I know that if you were still here, you wouldn't want me to send a card like that to your family. You would say that you weren't like that. That i shouldn't send stupid things like that, but the fact is, you're not. The fact is, that i have to send a ugly card, a card with no feeling, because you Aren't here, Yann, you're not here at all.

I went to 4 different shops just to find some nice paper... even in the end though, they didn't have paper that you would have liked. Then i had to decide what kind of envelope to send it to you in. That made me upset all over again. Would your parents be offended if i sent a bright pink envelope, or would it make them too sad if i sent them a light green one. I'm not going to surprise you. I will tell you straight up, i got you a light blue one, with some of the only writing paper that is available in Strasbourg, i promise it is the nicest one i could find.

You know, it was the thing i had to look forward to most today, finding you a card and paper, but 2 hours later, i was so disheartened i spewed off the side of a road in a rubbish bin, and just settled for one. I'm sorry, i couldn't stand looking at anymore awful cards or paper shops. That's just not me.

... I spent hours in the make-up section today, buying things to get my mind off you. Do you know that? I even have to go back and buy hair dye so that i can feel just a little bit good about coming to visit you.

I forgot to buy it when i was there, which frustrates me even more, because i will have to go and see people again. Walk past people laughing in the street. Pretend to smile to people. I wanted to go shopping with someone. Then i went through a list of everyone i would have messaged, and i didn't want to spend time with any of them. I love spending time with people. What is wrong with me now.

Even as i write this, i don't believe that you're dead. You know that, right?

Yann, i look at people that have lost parents, grandparents, others. They seem to be happy. Does this mean that i will be happy again one day?

Yours truly,

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