BABYBOP
je suis un bébé requin,
and this is a photo journal of a previous life.
lundi 21 novembre 2011
... and the process of forgetting starts all.over.again.
Dear Yann,
I didn't think that these feelings would be dug up once again. The pain, the sick feeling, the not wanting to get out of bed, but here you have it. It's been dug up from a place i wanted to try and forget. Your mum wrote and asked for photos, and here i am, looking through photos of you and me. I forgot how much fun we had together, and ask how you're gone. I'll never see your face again, run my fingers through your hair.
I think about you all the time you know. Did you know that? I told Antoine, and it makes me feel safe, that others are the same.
I am so sorry, so so sorry for what i put your mum through. Please forgive me.
I miss you so much today, I hope that you're fine.
I didn't think that these feelings would be dug up once again. The pain, the sick feeling, the not wanting to get out of bed, but here you have it. It's been dug up from a place i wanted to try and forget. Your mum wrote and asked for photos, and here i am, looking through photos of you and me. I forgot how much fun we had together, and ask how you're gone. I'll never see your face again, run my fingers through your hair.
I think about you all the time you know. Did you know that? I told Antoine, and it makes me feel safe, that others are the same.
I am so sorry, so so sorry for what i put your mum through. Please forgive me.
I miss you so much today, I hope that you're fine.
Libellés : Dear Yann
vendredi 4 novembre 2011
C'est fou ce que le temps passe vite.
Dear Yann,
Letting you know that i'm thinking of you,
All my love.
"Le temps passe et passe et passe
Et beaucoup de choses ont changé"
Letting you know that i'm thinking of you,
All my love.
"Le temps passe et passe et passe
Et beaucoup de choses ont changé"
Libellés : Dear Yann
mercredi 9 mars 2011
and if i can't decide what paper?
Dear Yann,
Do you know what happened today? I walked into a shop to buy a card for your parents, and there was an elderly couple next to me. They were shuffling through the cards half heartedly, as though they had done this so many times already this year.
The cards themselves were so ugly. I know that if you were here, you would have laughed at them. You would have said that no one would ever want to receive a card like that... that they were so ugly. That made me laugh, really laugh, for the first time in days... i know if i sent that card, and you were still alive, you would have mocked your mum for receiving a card like that. You would have said that it was tacky and that there was no point receiving cards like that.
The prints were of trees, of awful paintings, and of 80's disasters. I moved onto the next shop. I felt like there was no card that could express the way i feel. No card could tell your parents just how sorry i am that you're gone.
I know that if you were still here, you wouldn't want me to send a card like that to your family. You would say that you weren't like that. That i shouldn't send stupid things like that, but the fact is, you're not. The fact is, that i have to send a ugly card, a card with no feeling, because you Aren't here, Yann, you're not here at all.
I went to 4 different shops just to find some nice paper... even in the end though, they didn't have paper that you would have liked. Then i had to decide what kind of envelope to send it to you in. That made me upset all over again. Would your parents be offended if i sent a bright pink envelope, or would it make them too sad if i sent them a light green one. I'm not going to surprise you. I will tell you straight up, i got you a light blue one, with some of the only writing paper that is available in Strasbourg, i promise it is the nicest one i could find.
You know, it was the thing i had to look forward to most today, finding you a card and paper, but 2 hours later, i was so disheartened i spewed off the side of a road in a rubbish bin, and just settled for one. I'm sorry, i couldn't stand looking at anymore awful cards or paper shops. That's just not me.
... I spent hours in the make-up section today, buying things to get my mind off you. Do you know that? I even have to go back and buy hair dye so that i can feel just a little bit good about coming to visit you.
I forgot to buy it when i was there, which frustrates me even more, because i will have to go and see people again. Walk past people laughing in the street. Pretend to smile to people. I wanted to go shopping with someone. Then i went through a list of everyone i would have messaged, and i didn't want to spend time with any of them. I love spending time with people. What is wrong with me now.
Even as i write this, i don't believe that you're dead. You know that, right?
Yann, i look at people that have lost parents, grandparents, others. They seem to be happy. Does this mean that i will be happy again one day?
Yours truly,
Libellés : Dear Yann
mardi 8 mars 2011
The Letter.
Dear Yann,
Before i tell you any of this, just remember, you are the one that is supposed to correct my letters, I am not supposed to be writing one to your parents...
Yours truly.
when you write a letter to the one you love, to their parents, what are you supposed to say?
Any mere condolence letter must feel so distant, no words can express the feelings that you have.
I was told to write what comes to mind, but do they feel the same way i do?
What if they didn't get along.
What if you feel guilty that you didn't go to their funeral, but their parents were able to make it.
The tears will start to flow again, that is what will happen.
When you read layouts of what a letter should sound like, it has no emotion, no feelings, just "deepest sympathies". What does that even mean.
And so i will write.
Dear Corine and Francis,
I write to you with a shaken heart, and to extend the deepest condolences on Yann's death. [**Even as i write that he is dead, i don't believe it, i feel sick at the feeling.] He was a dear friend of mine, and he is going to be deeply missed. You both should be so proud to have had him as a son.
I am so blessed to have had such a friendship with him, and i know he is going to be greatly missed by his friends and family.
I treasured his friendship, and will forever recall our time together in Ruelle and Oleron. I remember the first time i met him in 2004, when we became great friends. We would play cards together, and he taught me so much about the french language and culture. He was so generous to me, introducing me to his friends, taking me to the movies, ice skating.
When i came back to Australia, we kept in contact, and then i came on exchange to France again last year, I was blessed to be able to spend time with him in Oleron.
It is a strange feeling to know that we will never hear his voice again, be able to talk to him again, but all we can do is remember the fun times that were shared. It is surreal to think that someone could be there one day, and instantaneously gone the next. I am glad to have been able to have met him and shared such a great friendship with him.
I am glad to hear that he was buried on the Island of Oleron that he loved so much, so that even now, he will be able to enjoy the sun and sea.
If you would like me to do anything, please let me know. I want to help out if i can.
My very best to you and your family in this time of sorrow,
F.
Before i tell you any of this, just remember, you are the one that is supposed to correct my letters, I am not supposed to be writing one to your parents...
Yours truly.
when you write a letter to the one you love, to their parents, what are you supposed to say?
Any mere condolence letter must feel so distant, no words can express the feelings that you have.
I was told to write what comes to mind, but do they feel the same way i do?
What if they didn't get along.
What if you feel guilty that you didn't go to their funeral, but their parents were able to make it.
The tears will start to flow again, that is what will happen.
When you read layouts of what a letter should sound like, it has no emotion, no feelings, just "deepest sympathies". What does that even mean.
And so i will write.
Dear Corine and Francis,
I write to you with a shaken heart, and to extend the deepest condolences on Yann's death. [**Even as i write that he is dead, i don't believe it, i feel sick at the feeling.] He was a dear friend of mine, and he is going to be deeply missed. You both should be so proud to have had him as a son.
I am so blessed to have had such a friendship with him, and i know he is going to be greatly missed by his friends and family.
I treasured his friendship, and will forever recall our time together in Ruelle and Oleron. I remember the first time i met him in 2004, when we became great friends. We would play cards together, and he taught me so much about the french language and culture. He was so generous to me, introducing me to his friends, taking me to the movies, ice skating.
When i came back to Australia, we kept in contact, and then i came on exchange to France again last year, I was blessed to be able to spend time with him in Oleron.
It is a strange feeling to know that we will never hear his voice again, be able to talk to him again, but all we can do is remember the fun times that were shared. It is surreal to think that someone could be there one day, and instantaneously gone the next. I am glad to have been able to have met him and shared such a great friendship with him.
I am glad to hear that he was buried on the Island of Oleron that he loved so much, so that even now, he will be able to enjoy the sun and sea.
If you would like me to do anything, please let me know. I want to help out if i can.
My very best to you and your family in this time of sorrow,
F.
------------------------------------
Chers Francis et Corine,
Je vous ecris avec le coeur boulversé, je tiens à vous presenter ainsi qu'à vos proches, mes sincères condoléances. Yann était un très bon ami. Il va profondément me manquer. Vous devez être fiers d'avoir eu un fils comme lui.
Je suis vraiment contente d'avoir eu une telle amitié avec Yann, et je sais bien qu'il sera énormement remémoré par sa famille et ses amies. J'ai chéri son amitié et me souviendrai toujours de notre temps ensemble à Ruelle et Oléron. Je me souviens notre première rencontre en 2004, quand nous sommes devenus amis. Nous avons joué aux cartes ensemble, et j'ai appris beaucoup de choses de la langue française, et de votre culture. Il était tellement généreux avec moi: il me presentait ses amies, nous allions au cinéma, et à la patinoire ensemble.
Quand je suis repartie en Australie, nous avions gardé contact, alors l'année dernière, quand je suis revenue en echange en France, je fus très heureuse de passer du temps avec lui.
C'est un sensation étrange de savoir qu'on ne se reverra plus, je le garderai toujours en mèmoire. C'est surréel d'imaginer qu'un ami est là un jour, et on le perd le lendemain. Encore, je suis contente d'avoir fait sa connaissance et d'avais partagé une grande amitié avec lui.
Ça me fais plaisir d'entendre qu'il a été enterré dans l'île d'Oléron qu'il aimait vraiment, il pourra encore apprécier le soleil et la plage.
Je vous embrasse. Transmets mes amitiés à Natacha et Gwenael.
F.
Libellés : Dear Yann
I don't want to see your tomb.
Dear Yann,
I don't want to see your tomb.
Then i will know it is all so real.
Your friends asked me to come down and visit you this weekend you know.
I told them i would, but i don't really want to.
As soon as i see that name engraved on that stone, it will become reality, a reality i don't want.
They told me that they have said their goodbyes, but i haven't.
I didn't throw a rose on top of your casque. I didn't write you a letter, and throw it in so that you could read it forever, so this is what i am going to to make up for it.
I hope you read my letter, i hope you enjoy it.
I am going to find something nice to give to you, i promise.
This is what you were supposed to come and visit.
yours truly,
I don't want to see your tomb.
Then i will know it is all so real.
Your friends asked me to come down and visit you this weekend you know.
I told them i would, but i don't really want to.
As soon as i see that name engraved on that stone, it will become reality, a reality i don't want.
They told me that they have said their goodbyes, but i haven't.
I didn't throw a rose on top of your casque. I didn't write you a letter, and throw it in so that you could read it forever, so this is what i am going to to make up for it.
I hope you read my letter, i hope you enjoy it.
I am going to find something nice to give to you, i promise.
This is what you were supposed to come and visit.
yours truly,
Libellés : Dear Yann
Neutral Milk Hotel
Jeff, Scott, Julian, Jeremy... you know exactly how i am feeling: In an aeroplane over the sea.
I will say goodbye to you soon, i am just not ready.
I will say goodbye to you soon, i am just not ready.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all
Libellés : Dear Yann
lundi 7 mars 2011
I'm not laughing.
Just tell me one last thing, would you prefer that i forget you?
'Cos i don't want to.
I would prefer to lay in the sun with you,
looking out into the ocean.
whisper into my ear,
hold me close.
You could be the one i love,
but you're no longer here.
My stomach is in knots.
My head is spinning.
tell me that it is a dream,
that i will wake up,
lulling in and out of consciousness,
and you will be there to wake me.
please?
You had a beautiful face,
you understood me.
We laughed about things nobody else knew.
We shared secrets,
whispering in each others ears.
I don't feel like being happy anymore.
People all say that we all must die one day.
But was this your time?
You were someone that i knew and loved.
I am angry at you.
Why were you on your phone.
Why were you not wearing your seat belt.
Why were you not concentrating,
not holding the steering wheel properly.
Whatever you did,
I hate you for it.
You're supposed to be here with me.
supposed to have visited.
Seen my house.
to laugh and sing together.
You know i was practising French,
just to impress you.
Now i drag myself to classes.
French is everywhere.
Everywhere is you.
Your name,
You.
We are young,
this wasn't your time.
Be here with me.
Take your shoes off and roll into bed with me.
Life is a strange thing.
I could call you whenever i wanted, but i didnt.
i didn't take enough photos.
have enough memories.
there just wasn't enough time.
This is too surreal to me.
I want sleep to lap over me,
I don't believe this.
It is a dream.
I will never see your face again,
Your smile.
You were so sweet to me.
Like no one i have met.
I have to write a letter to your parents.
Send them my condolences.
But how am i supposed to do that.
Give me the words to say, wont you?
Everytime i close my eyes, i see you.
This is too surreal for me.
I want to go home to Australia now.
There is too much that reminds me of you.
Every sentence that comes out of someone's mouth is a reminder.
I remember when your family watched la vie est belle
and you hated that show
c'était de la merde.
And then I'd ask you questions, and you would reply simply...
je sais rien.
I hate that you remind me of everything.
I am trying to be happy,
Really, i am.
i am not crying anymore.
I try to smile.
but it pains me to be happy.
I would prefer you to be here.
You were a sweet 23.
When you fell into the water.
No one saw, no one heard.
I will never know what you were doing.
Someone tell me that they made a mistake.
That it was someone else that they had found.
Now, I can never wish you a happy birthday again.
Nor will i receive a joyeux anniv.
Eat with me.
Dance with me.
You were my age.
I never thought that someone i know would leave.
But I am coming to terms.
When we meet again,
I will embrace you.
I will tell you how much i have missed you.
How good it is to see you again,
and we will dance in the clouds.
We will swing our hands around.
You will wrap your hands around me once again.
Brush my hair back,
and tell me a joke.
Ghosts will pass us,
We will not care.
We are going to go to some non earthly place.
And stay there for the day.
The muscles in my legs and face are weak.
Walking up the stairs feels like 100 years now.
dragging myself out of the room is difficult.
Life goes on though, doesn't it?
This place that i have made for myself here,
was supposed to be yours.
I decorated the walls and doors.
You were supposed to come and tell me,
how much you liked it.
I never got to see your bedroom in Saintes.
Now, i never will.
I'm not laughing anymore.
It scares me that i will never feel your touch again,
Your stupid jokes,
Your grammar corrections,
Or simply your voice.
come home to me, please.
'Cos i don't want to.
I would prefer to lay in the sun with you,
looking out into the ocean.
whisper into my ear,
hold me close.
You could be the one i love,
but you're no longer here.
My stomach is in knots.
My head is spinning.
tell me that it is a dream,
that i will wake up,
lulling in and out of consciousness,
and you will be there to wake me.
please?
You had a beautiful face,
you understood me.
We laughed about things nobody else knew.
We shared secrets,
whispering in each others ears.
I don't feel like being happy anymore.
People all say that we all must die one day.
But was this your time?
You were someone that i knew and loved.
I am angry at you.
Why were you on your phone.
Why were you not wearing your seat belt.
Why were you not concentrating,
not holding the steering wheel properly.
Whatever you did,
I hate you for it.
You're supposed to be here with me.
supposed to have visited.
Seen my house.
to laugh and sing together.
You know i was practising French,
just to impress you.
Now i drag myself to classes.
French is everywhere.
Everywhere is you.
Your name,
You.
We are young,
this wasn't your time.
Be here with me.
Take your shoes off and roll into bed with me.
Life is a strange thing.
I could call you whenever i wanted, but i didnt.
i didn't take enough photos.
have enough memories.
there just wasn't enough time.
This is too surreal to me.
I want sleep to lap over me,
I don't believe this.
It is a dream.
I will never see your face again,
Your smile.
You were so sweet to me.
Like no one i have met.
I have to write a letter to your parents.
Send them my condolences.
But how am i supposed to do that.
Give me the words to say, wont you?
Everytime i close my eyes, i see you.
This is too surreal for me.
I want to go home to Australia now.
There is too much that reminds me of you.
Every sentence that comes out of someone's mouth is a reminder.
I remember when your family watched la vie est belle
and you hated that show
c'était de la merde.
And then I'd ask you questions, and you would reply simply...
je sais rien.
I hate that you remind me of everything.
I am trying to be happy,
Really, i am.
i am not crying anymore.
I try to smile.
but it pains me to be happy.
I would prefer you to be here.
You were a sweet 23.
When you fell into the water.
No one saw, no one heard.
I will never know what you were doing.
Someone tell me that they made a mistake.
That it was someone else that they had found.
Now, I can never wish you a happy birthday again.
Nor will i receive a joyeux anniv.
Eat with me.
Dance with me.
You were my age.
I never thought that someone i know would leave.
But I am coming to terms.
When we meet again,
I will embrace you.
I will tell you how much i have missed you.
How good it is to see you again,
and we will dance in the clouds.
We will swing our hands around.
You will wrap your hands around me once again.
Brush my hair back,
and tell me a joke.
Ghosts will pass us,
We will not care.
We are going to go to some non earthly place.
And stay there for the day.
The muscles in my legs and face are weak.
Walking up the stairs feels like 100 years now.
dragging myself out of the room is difficult.
Life goes on though, doesn't it?
This place that i have made for myself here,
was supposed to be yours.
I decorated the walls and doors.
You were supposed to come and tell me,
how much you liked it.
I never got to see your bedroom in Saintes.
Now, i never will.
I'm not laughing anymore.
It scares me that i will never feel your touch again,
Your stupid jokes,
Your grammar corrections,
Or simply your voice.
come home to me, please.
Libellés : Dear Yann
LES RARE RERERUNS
mai 2009juin 2009
juillet 2009
septembre 2009
octobre 2009
novembre 2009
décembre 2009
janvier 2010
février 2010
juin 2010
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janvier 2011
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février 2012
mars 2012
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février 2013
novembre 2013
décembre 2013
janvier 2014
mars 2014
septembre 2014
décembre 2014
janvier 2015
janvier 2016
novembre 2016
Come with me and tumble in the sea.
We can be together forever.
We can be together forever.