je suis un bébé requin,
and this is a photo journal of a previous life.
mercredi 2 novembre 2016
Drained, Denied. Confused.
Our time together was ephemeral
Fleeting, short lived.
We didn't live all the memories together I would have hoped for,
and only now do I realise - our time is over.

I breathe out my last sigh,
look over at the entangled sheets.

As a tear falls lightly onto the paper I realise I am drained.

You don't know the pain you've put me through,
you couldn't know.
You never asked,
I shouldn't have told.

I realise now I was chasing the wrong things.
My tears dry up.
Now only salty deposits encrusted on my face.

I sip my glass of water,
dimanche 3 janvier 2016
Your respect won't break his heart, but your words will
Dear Heart Breaker,

This is probably the first letter I write to you, but it may not be the last. I don't know you and your deepest most utmost private thoughts personally - yet I feel I know you and your scantish nature already.

I know that you're loved by someone very dearly. I know that they weep for you, and seem unable to get you our of their mind. For each tear that they shed for you, one also falls from my face, as I know how it feels to love another, and to have your emotions thrown around like a play toy.

For I  too, have spent nights awake thinking of another, and long days whispering their name.

I have heard how you have abused his love, misjudged how strong love can be. The more he unravels of this story, the more my vision blurs, as tears come to my eyes. My sadness for him grows, as I understand the pain, the torment you've caused, the lies, the deceit. I too understand more and more how he tosses and turns, unable to sleep because of you.

I pray that you haven't gone too far, that there is still a way back for you, but perhaps you've gone one step too far this time.

Don't love him for his hair, as it will one day no longer be there.
Don't fall in love with him because of his height, as one day he may schrivel.
Fall in love with him because of his good nature.
Fall in love with him with him because of his humour, and Fall in love with him because of his genuine personality, for these things, you can find in no other.

I say this knowing it may be too late for you. Perhaps you have trailed too far off the path, and he isn't willing to run after you this last time. For all that he has done for you, you don't deserve him, yet who am I to judge. Don't break his heart another time girl. You're not worth it.

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dimanche 18 janvier 2015
Purely Plantonic, dear Rome.
Can you fall in love with a city? I think I just did. I met a wise man on the weekend who told me ‘my life is in Milan, but my heart is in Rome’. A few moments later he attempted to kiss me which I politely refused, but that is a story for another recollection of my thoughts. Until a few months ago, I could have said with confidence that my heart was in Strasbourg, but as time passes, people fade in and out of your life, and you as a person change.

I don’t have someone that I particularly like in Rome, but I feel that it really does have so much history and culture to offer, and for that, I thank it profusely. The people are so charismatic, the food is incomparable without exception (and I myself like to think that I am somewhat of a foodie), and the men in this city are oh so flirtatious!

In the past months, I have started to fall out of love with people, and more in love with places and times. Friendship is so important to me, and I believe that if I was to give my life to only one person, it would not be fair on all of the other relationships in my life. Perhaps I will encounter someone that I will want to give up everything for, but if I take the last 25 years of experience as a statistic - it seems that it’s unlikely. Relationships are complicated, and they generally lead to a great deal of pain, suffering, arguments, and unrequited love by one party. 

A great friend told me that you have to deal with your own pile of crap each day when you’re in a relationship, and take it. It astounds me when I look at an old couple, and they still hold hands, are still in love. I have never had that, but if I do decide to be with but one person for my whole life, I want it to last. In that case, I will give my life to them, and would love to say that I would give up my life for them, but again, perhaps the media has portrayed only extreme cases, and I am doomed, perhaps I will never have this. It must be such a large commitment to wake up and love someone each day, over and over, for the rest of your life. You are no longer one person, but two, conjoined.

Here, I jump to marriage, but when I talk about long term relationships, this is what that is for me. I want to be passionate about my partner, and look forward to seeing them each and every time, that is, if I have one. I ask myself, do I have the gift of singleness? Perhaps I do. I feel like my heart is covered in too much pain to allow itself to open to someone. I haven’t let myself love for a long time, and part of me doesn’t want to.

I shouldn’t be so quick to combine love and relationships though. In many cases there is one without the other. I may give my heart to one, and my body and time to another. In a Utopic world though, this is all mixed into the same pot of tea.

I was in the airport the other day, and saw an couple, perhaps in their 40’s, who were fighting, their young child in tow. It must be difficult for that child. I myself have vague memories of my parents fighting, and asking them to stop. The crazy thing seems to be that these two people were once happy. They courted each other, decided to get married, and then have been together so long, that they now have a 7or so year old child. That equates to at least (from my naïve calculations) at least 10 years (in an normal case). 10 years with someone… wow, just.. wow.

I want to ask… why do we bother? Why do we bother to hurt ourselves, or rush into a relationship so quickly. I believe we are like sheep, and once we see other friends doing the deed, we must too. This isn’t so friends! Please don't be with someone for the sake of being with them. Love them to love. Your love is a gentle and delicate thing, don’t give it away too easily.

So 2015, you are lucky as you are not a person. It is the first time that I have thought ‘this year is going to be a great year’. I have never been one to make a resolution list, but as I start to think more about life, I understand more what type of person I want to be, and how I am going to achieve this.

I have never been much of a writer myself, but this year, perhaps things will change. Heck, let’s admit, I write this blog for myself. My followers consist of a few creepy guys that send me the occasional strange message (Hello to you!), my sister and a handful of friends. Well, this one is for you. Perhaps my writing skills will allow me to charm you even more.

You have to deal with problems on a daily basis, and still love the person.

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mardi 23 décembre 2014
When my snot turns into tears I will bottle it and make cheese.
 Tear production acts as a protective layer over your eyes. Normally, when there isn’t an overload of tears, the tears run down your lacrimal drainage system and they pass out your nose as mucus, but when there is an overload of tears they start to fall out of your eyelids and run down your cheeks.

Last week I tuned into the BBC and read an article entitled ‘My grandfather’s true love’. It was a tearjerker; a short article revealing how a grand daughter found that her grandfather was madly in love with a woman in Europe, before fleeing to America to start a new life after the war.

It reminded me of you. I think about you years on. It isn’t the sort of selfish love you read about, but it is an unrequited love. Each morning I wake myself up, and have to tell myself that I hate you. I don’t, but perhaps one day I will. At least that way, I will be able to move on properly, and not go about ruining other people’s lives because of my selfishness. Perhaps I will finally be able to sit comfortably with someone new, without thinking about what was.

Perhaps I have begun to relish heartbreak. Each time, it is like a natural disaster within my body, and battling on and prevailing in times of heartache perhaps makes me feel like my very own heroine. The longer the heartbreak drains on, the bigger the hero I put myself out to be. However enough is enough, and I am finally putting you out to die… I mean dry.

No more snot will be wasted thinking of you, and you will never get the place of my true love. Perhaps I loved you long, and deeply, but you were, and never will be my lover.

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samedi 20 décembre 2014
Seeing the blessing in a Blizzard
This afternoon, like every Monday and Wednesday, I had German class. Like every afternoon, there are two buses to the station, the first leaving at 5:55, and a second at 6:01. Although the second has a faster route, everyone seems to take the earlier one. I, like many others, have a short term thinking, and as a result, I took the first bus. However, like many a time before, I arrived at the station just as the train was pulling up.  This called for a spring to the train, which I subsequently missed. At the time I thought it was frustrated beyond belief. This would mean I would arrive at German class an hour late,  and I would only make it for the last 30 minutes.

I felt the frustration in me rise, I wanted to kick down the stairs, but on the outside I tried to remain calm. The art of long term thinking is something that I have yet to acquire, and this situation has shown me the necessity of this skill. However, it will probably take a life time to attain, all in good time, all in good time. Yet I was blessed with the other experiences I was able to gather whilst waiting at the station. A manager-type, about 50 secretly inhaling a whiff of coke, two old friends who use sign language to communicate with each other, and of course the Volkswagen factory lit up in all its glory for the Christmas season.

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mardi 30 septembre 2014
The tears I weep inside for you
Hey Kiddo,

I just want to let you know that I am sorry, and that it sucks - this whole situation. I know what it is like to be in your position, trust me. Beeeeen there... and I have been through the same pain at the same age, 21 is a sweet ol' age, ain't it.

One day the pain will stop, I promise, it will.

I just want to let you know that one day the pain will become numb, and you will stop thinking about her as much as you do, and those memories will be so foggy that you will forget the time she told you she didn't love you, that she said she thought it was over. The time that she said she would see you again, and that time that she pushed the hair from your eye and giggled softly at your oh so horrid jokes.

I'm 25 now, and I still feel as naïve as those years ago.

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mercredi 10 septembre 2014
The memories that lap over me in my sleep
I thought I forgot you, but you just won't leave my mind. Everytime I hear this song, I think of you. KB got me past the pain so many years ago, but the memories just won't lay at rest.
mardi 25 mars 2014

I just bought some shoe polish, and my black boots are ready. It is time to clean up, and refresh, and get ready for the holiday ahead.

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samedi 22 mars 2014
Christmas Parties can happen at any moment

It is that time of year when friends come and share something special.

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jeudi 30 janvier 2014
My heart is churning

Listening to Kishi Bashi, am scrolling through an article I found in virtual space, I am reminded of earlier days of late nights and a first love.

' It’s the love that cuts the deepest, leaving an irreversible scarring. The relationship was very emotional, fluctuating from intense love to intense distaste, to a certain feeling that can only be described as numbing.' I can't write any more eloquent than this, and the words have never been clearer, the man has a point.

I have come to terms with the fact that this long lost love and myself were never meant to be, however we will never forget each other. I have recently received closure, and I assure you, you'll never be forgotten.

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lundi 2 décembre 2013
Realisations, Anxiety and Emails

I received an email from S today.

I had mentioned things not working out with M and she shed some light on the situation...

"Break ups are unnatural; we were never meant to form a bond and then have it break for whatever reason. It's in the breaks that you realize how deep things went. It sounds like M was cut and dry with yours, that is that he couldn't see a future so he's letting you and he move on to find someone with whom you can make a future. Do you feel like you ever opened up to him or he you?

Insights like these can hurt, but tend to be more true than someone in the situation could ever see. It was a tough realisation, but well needed. She said it clear, she said it blunt.

// Our first date was to the International Kite Festival. As we walked to the festival, M had said that there were so many kites that it would be difficult to see the sky. As we got closer, we realised the small flickering lights in the sky were kites, and that there were only six of them. It seems international doesn't necessarily match with numerous.

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samedi 30 novembre 2013
The frustrations of never wholly knowing a language
It has been a year and a half since having moved to the Netherlands. I live in a small town on the west of this fair country; a quaint and for what seems 11 months of the year, quite a cold climate city that goes by the name of Delft. For the past year, I have had bouts of immersing myself in and out of the dutch culture.

On arriving, I joined a house with fifteen dutch girls from my university and lived there for six months. My plan was to stay in the country for six months on a cross cultural exchange from my home university in Sydney, Australia. However as I slowly got to know the people and culture, I felt my time passing quickly, and extended my exchange period to a full year.

I had joined my university's student rowing society and dedicated much of my free time to rowing training and competitions. Rowing is a large student sport within the netherlands and I learnt much of the dutch culture by participating in one of their national sports, and made most of my good friends at the club.

At the end of this year, I am not sure if it was the co-curricular activities, the new found love of my studies, or the thought of having to again uproot my life, but I attempted to transfer my course from Sydney to Delft. After numerous months of waiting and stressfully biting my nails, an acceptance letter came through, and I was admitted as a full time masters student at the University of Technology, Delft.

By that time, I felt as though I knew much more of the culture. I'd found love at the rowing club, I'd moved in with new housemates that I could called my family, and I had even acquired a bike collection.

However, learning a language is one of the most difficult aspects of the Dutch culture that I am still yet to accomplish, and I feel that until I can communicate in dutch with my housemates, I will never completely understand the dutch culture or its people.

For the most part, we get on quite well, we eat dinner together each night, we share breakfast together, and we go on house outings. Most of this is done in dutch, and I am quite happy to sit and listen to my housemates, however after a year of listening, I feel that I am getting fed up with living in a country and only just-getting-by with the language.

For the next few months, I am going to try and improve my dutch, and I guess here (there is no place better than the prying eyes of the internet and those that don't know me) to vent about how the results go.

It is November, and therefore clearly the Christmas season... which means our house has had its first Kerstdiner.

Seasons greetings

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mercredi 20 novembre 2013
Flowers for the Dead

The flower stalls of India are frequented by many mourners, spiritual believers and myself, waiting and watching, looking to find beauty in the crowds of bustling people.

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lundi 18 novembre 2013
Light in the Darkness

Swaying around in the dark, the shadows begin to ingulf me in the ganga. I look around, only to see the bright lights of those nearby, I kick and scream hoping that someone will see me flailing and pick me up out of the tossing waters.

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vendredi 15 novembre 2013
One city, too many views
mercredi 13 novembre 2013
The rain outside
I thought it would be easier this time, I didn't think the tears would flow the way they are, but as I lay here hugging this pillow, I hear the heavy thump of my tears slowly flowing onto the bed. With each tear that falls, I am shedding a part of my love for you.

My affection for you has grown over our year together, without me even realising, but by the time it was the end, we had drifted so far, it was too late. In this world, nothing is perfect, which means each person you open your heart to, makes you vulnerable with the risk of pain at the end of the day.

I told myself that I could never love again, however you came into my life lief, and you showed me this all over again.

I'll miss you so.

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vendredi 22 février 2013
Vieux France

All the people that live in these houses hold such different lives. What it would be, to know each one of them, their stories.

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jeudi 21 février 2013
A field of Love

A field of corn can seem so wide when you're not here next to me. I lay here looking up at the sky, the clouds passing, thinking of you. The summer days create droplets of transpiration here on my face, and i feel each drop first slowly, gradually faster, momentum gaining, fall down my cheeks. I am not sure whether it is from the heat any longer, or a saltiness that appears from the tears in my eyes. All i know is that this camera can capture these moments that i want to keep here, of you and me.

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mercredi 20 février 2013

Has my life come to this? I sit here wondering what i will do until i die.

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mardi 19 février 2013
Lazy Lovers

How can it be that you can love a human so much. You know your own feelings, but you can never know those of another. I look at you and see myself staring straight back. I know that you are close, i feel your warmth, but you keep your distance from me. Will you ever know my affection for you? I lay here next to you, watching you, hearing your breath close to mine. Let's just hold this moment a little longer.

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lundi 18 février 2013
Bright Whites

The simplest errands in summer can turn into a thing of beauty.

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dimanche 17 février 2013
Dijon Locals

If ever going to Dijon, forget about the mustard, simply sitting in the park listening to some jazz and snapping some locals on a sunday afternoon is pure bliss.

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samedi 16 février 2013
Dinner by the Sea


A Glass of wine coupled with Tzatziki on a baguette. Pure Heaven. 

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vendredi 15 février 2013
Un 'tit dejeuner

This summer, I took a two month bike trip around the south of france with one of my best friends. We shared many memories. Starting in Bordeaux, we moved our way towards Pau, Montpellier, and then worked our way over to Nice, where it's nice.

Here, creating sweet delectables. A new era is here, summer has arrived in the form of two goddesses.

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mardi 29 mai 2012
An entry that has taken a few days to finally write...

I've never felt so hollow. These are the last of the tears i'll cry for you. My pillow has never heard so many screams. The dampness of my sheets comfort me. My voice hoarse, I reassure myself that you don't hate me. That one day, i'll be able to talk to you, but until that day comes, I am shutting myself off from you. My heart can't take this anymore. Eyes puffy, I look into the mirror at the shell i have become, i feel so hollow.

I won't open my heart this easily again. Your words have only made me stronger, but you must become first weaker to become stronger... I may be weak, but one day I will stop seeing these shadows, stop feeling so sad. I am not depressed, i am just mourning the end of a relationship. Relationships were never supposed to end. We are not in a perfect world, which is why we can not be together.

I cannot bare to move, the screams that have come from my lips tonight were inhuman. I don't think have ever made noises like that before. Nor will i again, because what has happened is unnatural. I will never put myself in this situation again.

The sadness is stopping, as I am overcome with these realisations. My stomach wants to vomit, my head wants to stop spinning. My bed, tired from having to cradle and console me, strokes my hair telling me it it will all be alright. 'Get up K' it murmurs from the sheets. 'Everything is going to be fine, you need some time to shed your tears, but get up before this consumes you...'

I'll miss you for a long time to come, but I am going to get over this. I have finally become at peace with you. I was searching for closure, and I received it through God's grace. I am not deserving of the Love that i have received, but it only allows me to be reminded that I am to live this life in a way that is pleasing to him, which no human can take away.

Not only am I losing a lover, but a Best Friend.

As i cry out one last time to be comforted, the clouds seem to be parting, I take one last breath from this cave i have trapped myself in, and step outside. Everything is going to be fine, just fine.

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lundi 28 mai 2012
The bedroom Window
As the days get colder here, the snow doesn't come, but my heart grows weaker. I'll never see the bedroom window again.

It's too late to change the past, but my feelings for you are fading. I guess it is hard to keep enjoying the company of someone that isn't there. I understand that, but why do you hate me. You were right to break up, but I'll never understand why you did it via text, never understand how you can have feelings for someone one day, and then they disappear the next. Your heart has become hard mon coeur, I hope that you realise that you have to open your heart to love, not close it off. I don't hate you, i never could. It is time to say good bye.

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dimanche 27 mai 2012
Rest up, the pain will stop.
Shh. We are going to visit the beautiful, big city today. I will go and hold your hand. You don't need to be scared. I'm right here next to you. Don't close your eyes, don't put me to the back of your mind, I'm here right next to you.

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samedi 26 mai 2012
Tu es vraiment un beaugosse. Je t'oublie jamais mon coeur.

Et toi? Tu arrives de m'oublier? C'est tout simple pour toi. C'est la seule raison je vois pour que tu parles plus avec moi...

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vendredi 25 mai 2012
Le Voyage
Let's catch a train together. It's cold and i want to snuggle up close to you.

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mercredi 23 mai 2012
Les Larmes

I don't know why i agreed to break with you.
Now i look back, i would have done so many things differently.
When you said you wanted to visit, i should have jumped at the offer.
When you said you loved me, i should have whispered those words back into your ear.

The things i have learnt from this experience are unbearable. They haunt me at night when  i have the sheets tightly over me.
I imagine your arms wrapping around me, comforting me.
When i walk through the tunnels of the city, i see your face, flickering in the distance.
It is like an awful dream.

I thought i would have stopped crying now.
The tears start up unannounced.
The sheer sight of anything reminds me of you,
yet when i feel a tear run down the side of my cheek, but i don't brush it back. What's the point, the tears are just going to start back up again.

I'll always remember the good times with you. My heart feels as though it can't go on, every day drags by, but I hope that it will get better than this. As the cold winds take over Sydney, the crisp air reminds me of your warm touch. Please, make the pain go away.

I'll whisper it one last time. BNBG.


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mardi 22 mai 2012
Box up my feelings
Alright, it is time for my to pack up and put you in a box. I love you so much, and i know it hurts, but your hands will always wrap around me.

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lundi 21 mai 2012
The door.
Sometimes you realise that you just have to move on.

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vendredi 11 mai 2012

Am I running away?

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mardi 8 mai 2012
Vide sans toi
Everything i look at reminds me of you.

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mercredi 14 mars 2012
Summer Calls
Everyone has to take the leap at one point or another.

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mardi 13 mars 2012
Opening up the Suitcase

Just getting off the phone to Meow just then, after a well deserved several hour conversation, i am reminded of how blessed i have been to have her as such a great best friend for the past 6 months, even when i was made to lug overly heavy suitcases down the 6 flights of stairs without moaning.

I'll miss you beb.
samedi 10 mars 2012
Friday Nights
dimanche 4 mars 2012
The BULB setting?
Alright, so after 4 years i think i can officially ssay i have gotten the hang of the tv and av settings on my camera - no morre mr automatic for m sir! On the onctrary,vwhenever i try and go to manual, something always seems to stuff up, i panic, and i quickly swtich straight back to av o tv where i feel safe again... But, last week whilst wawlkin around the stras with a few girls who also enjoy sgrolling and taking photos, we came across the idea of BULB photography.

?When the grls started talking about this, my mouth failed me, i began to stutter, and My fingers began to tremble. The much dreaded BULB setting for many amateur photographers such as myself is a foreign land, much like the idea of eating fried snakes or stir fry grass hoppers...

But then, lowvand behold, Mr. Yanik and his great tutorial on bulb photography came to the rescue. I am going to test this out and see where i am lead.


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samedi 3 mars 2012
the great Adeline.
Trolling around on the internet in Hong Kong international airport, i came across this great photographer adeline mai. Her works are amazing, boasting creamy colours. She is a photographer that makes me want to practise my skills more and more.

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vendredi 2 mars 2012
La boule d'amour.
The longer i am away from you, the harder it becomes. As every second passes, the kilometres become further and further, the plane travels and glides through the sky; and my heart throbs a little bit more.

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jeudi 1 mars 2012
The stump; what was a living, thriving tree.
To my great friend yanou, i wrote today "Oh yanou, i just feel like my life has been ripped out from underneath me. I am going home to a place i dont want to... I have a life there, but i have been gone for so long that it is no longer mine."

Currently at Hong Kong airport waiting fo my flight to Sydney, my body is being taken over with mixed emotions. I love my parents so much, and they care for me more than i could ever imagine, that i dont want to dissapoint them. I want to go home because i know it will make them happy. But as i write these words, tears are slowly and quietly running down my cheeks, because i know that what i am going back to, is a life that is no longer mine.

The roots that i have grown are being unsettled, uprooted.

The ground around me is shaking, and the Loggers have come to see the best part to saw away at me. I know they will leave my bare stump, naked in the forest, and with the wood that they collect, there will be enough to carve a beautiful table. I will be sold to a family; rich, middle upper class, as a dining area to entertain friends, but that isn't where i want to be. I want to be in the forest with my friends. Quietly settled scattered among my other shrubby friends.

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jeudi 23 février 2012
Musings from a Wednesday Evening
Whilst listening to Strauss Jr Emperor Waltz on a late wednesday evening, i'd say it could even be breaking into thursday morning if you were lucky, i have come to realise a few things.

1. I will be in Sydney/(on the plane to) this time next week.
2. I have less than one week, that's 7 days, in the Bourg.

I have had so met so many friends in the past 2 years, 1 month and 18 days, and i don't want to leave. Every day has been such a memory, and i wish i was constantly up to date with uploading photos.

Today, the great love of my life, best friend, one of the girls that i currently share my utmost inner secrets with- so easily too, went to the Museum of Contemporary Art (MoA) in Strasbourg after a late afternoon lunch at made in France. I felt like we were on the scene of Sex in the City, after no only did we bump into her Boyfriend, Phil, but 5 minutes following that, bumping (completely by accident too) into mine as well.

She asked if i had ever photo journaled in my life, and i said not that know of. So for the next few days, i am going to set out taking last shots of Strasbourg, and make them a series.

I feel like i am a strong tree growing at the moment, but my roots are soon to be ripped out from under me. Don't get me wrong, i love sydney, but i am not ready to go back yet, maybe i never will. I have emmersed myself in French Culture, and there is no doubt, going to be severe reverse culture shock when i get back.

Tears are forming in my eyes as a write this.

Is my whole world shattering before me?

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lundi 20 février 2012
Lit up

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