It has been a year and a half since having moved to the Netherlands. I live in a small town on the west of this fair country; a quaint and for what seems 11 months of the year, quite a cold climate city that goes by the name of Delft. For the past year, I have had bouts of immersing myself in and out of the dutch culture.

On arriving, I joined a house with fifteen dutch girls from my university and lived there for six months. My plan was to stay in the country for six months on a cross cultural exchange from my home university in Sydney, Australia. However as I slowly got to know the people and culture, I felt my time passing quickly, and extended my exchange period to a full year.

I had joined my university's student rowing society and dedicated much of my free time to rowing training and competitions. Rowing is a large student sport within the netherlands and I learnt much of the dutch culture by participating in one of their national sports, and made most of my good friends at the club.

At the end of this year, I am not sure if it was the co-curricular activities, the new found love of my studies, or the thought of having to again uproot my life, but I attempted to transfer my course from Sydney to Delft. After numerous months of waiting and stressfully biting my nails, an acceptance letter came through, and I was admitted as a full time masters student at the University of Technology, Delft.

By that time, I felt as though I knew much more of the culture. I'd found love at the rowing club, I'd moved in with new housemates that I could called my family, and I had even acquired a bike collection.

However, learning a language is one of the most difficult aspects of the Dutch culture that I am still yet to accomplish, and I feel that until I can communicate in dutch with my housemates, I will never completely understand the dutch culture or its people.

For the most part, we get on quite well, we eat dinner together each night, we share breakfast together, and we go on house outings. Most of this is done in dutch, and I am quite happy to sit and listen to my housemates, however after a year of listening, I feel that I am getting fed up with living in a country and only just-getting-by with the language.

For the next few months, I am going to try and improve my dutch, and I guess here (there is no place better than the prying eyes of the internet and those that don't know me) to vent about how the results go.

It is November, and therefore clearly the Christmas season... which means our house has had its first Kerstdiner.

Seasons greetings

The flower stalls of India are frequented by many mourners, spiritual believers and myself, waiting and watching, looking to find beauty in the crowds of bustling people.

Swaying around in the dark, the shadows begin to ingulf me in the ganga. I look around, only to see the bright lights of those nearby, I kick and scream hoping that someone will see me flailing and pick me up out of the tossing waters.

I thought it would be easier this time, I didn't think the tears would flow the way they are, but as I lay here hugging this pillow, I hear the heavy thump of my tears slowly flowing onto the bed. With each tear that falls, I am shedding a part of my love for you.

My affection for you has grown over our year together, without me even realising, but by the time it was the end, we had drifted so far, it was too late. In this world, nothing is perfect, which means each person you open your heart to, makes you vulnerable with the risk of pain at the end of the day.

I told myself that I could never love again, however you came into my life lief, and you showed me this all over again.

I'll miss you so.

All the people that live in these houses hold such different lives. What it would be, to know each one of them, their stories.

A field of corn can seem so wide when you're not here next to me. I lay here looking up at the sky, the clouds passing, thinking of you. The summer days create droplets of transpiration here on my face, and i feel each drop first slowly, gradually faster, momentum gaining, fall down my cheeks. I am not sure whether it is from the heat any longer, or a saltiness that appears from the tears in my eyes. All i know is that this camera can capture these moments that i want to keep here, of you and me.

How can it be that you can love a human so much. You know your own feelings, but you can never know those of another. I look at you and see myself staring straight back. I know that you are close, i feel your warmth, but you keep your distance from me. Will you ever know my affection for you? I lay here next to you, watching you, hearing your breath close to mine. Let's just hold this moment a little longer.

This summer, I took a two month bike trip around the south of france with one of my best friends. We shared many memories. Starting in Bordeaux, we moved our way towards Pau, Montpellier, and then worked our way over to Nice, where it's nice.

Here, creating sweet delectables. A new era is here, summer has arrived in the form of two goddesses.

An entry that has taken a few days to finally write...



I've never felt so hollow. These are the last of the tears i'll cry for you. My pillow has never heard so many screams. The dampness of my sheets comfort me. My voice hoarse, I reassure myself that you don't hate me. That one day, i'll be able to talk to you, but until that day comes, I am shutting myself off from you. My heart can't take this anymore. Eyes puffy, I look into the mirror at the shell i have become, i feel so hollow.

I won't open my heart this easily again. Your words have only made me stronger, but you must become first weaker to become stronger... I may be weak, but one day I will stop seeing these shadows, stop feeling so sad. I am not depressed, i am just mourning the end of a relationship. Relationships were never supposed to end. We are not in a perfect world, which is why we can not be together.

I cannot bare to move, the screams that have come from my lips tonight were inhuman. I don't think have ever made noises like that before. Nor will i again, because what has happened is unnatural. I will never put myself in this situation again.

The sadness is stopping, as I am overcome with these realisations. My stomach wants to vomit, my head wants to stop spinning. My bed, tired from having to cradle and console me, strokes my hair telling me it it will all be alright. 'Get up K' it murmurs from the sheets. 'Everything is going to be fine, you need some time to shed your tears, but get up before this consumes you...'

I'll miss you for a long time to come, but I am going to get over this. I have finally become at peace with you. I was searching for closure, and I received it through God's grace. I am not deserving of the Love that i have received, but it only allows me to be reminded that I am to live this life in a way that is pleasing to him, which no human can take away.

Not only am I losing a lover, but a Best Friend.

As i cry out one last time to be comforted, the clouds seem to be parting, I take one last breath from this cave i have trapped myself in, and step outside. Everything is going to be fine, just fine.

As the days get colder here, the snow doesn't come, but my heart grows weaker. I'll never see the bedroom window again.

It's too late to change the past, but my feelings for you are fading. I guess it is hard to keep enjoying the company of someone that isn't there. I understand that, but why do you hate me. You were right to break up, but I'll never understand why you did it via text, never understand how you can have feelings for someone one day, and then they disappear the next. Your heart has become hard mon coeur, I hope that you realise that you have to open your heart to love, not close it off. I don't hate you, i never could. It is time to say good bye.

Shh. We are going to visit the beautiful, big city today. I will go and hold your hand. You don't need to be scared. I'm right here next to you. Don't close your eyes, don't put me to the back of your mind, I'm here right next to you.

Tu es vraiment un beaugosse. Je t'oublie jamais mon coeur.

Et toi? Tu arrives de m'oublier? C'est tout simple pour toi. C'est la seule raison je vois pour que tu parles plus avec moi...

Let's catch a train together. It's cold and i want to snuggle up close to you.

G.

I don't know why i agreed to break with you.
Now i look back, i would have done so many things differently.
When you said you wanted to visit, i should have jumped at the offer.
When you said you loved me, i should have whispered those words back into your ear.

The things i have learnt from this experience are unbearable. They haunt me at night when  i have the sheets tightly over me.
I imagine your arms wrapping around me, comforting me.
When i walk through the tunnels of the city, i see your face, flickering in the distance.
It is like an awful dream.

I thought i would have stopped crying now.
The tears start up unannounced.
The sheer sight of anything reminds me of you,
yet when i feel a tear run down the side of my cheek, but i don't brush it back. What's the point, the tears are just going to start back up again.













I'll always remember the good times with you. My heart feels as though it can't go on, every day drags by, but I hope that it will get better than this. As the cold winds take over Sydney, the crisp air reminds me of your warm touch. Please, make the pain go away.

I'll whisper it one last time. BNBG.

-K

Am I running away?

Everything i look at reminds me of you.